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How to grow a perfect Playoff Beard

Friday, 04.18.2014 / 4:55 PM / Features
By Lonnie Herman  - TBL.com correspondent
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How to grow a perfect Playoff Beard
Learn how to grow and perfect the art of growing the perfect Stanley Cup Playoffs beard...

Some Dos and Don’ts for the Perfect Playoff Experience

1 – Start Right Now: The Lightning have started the Stanley Cup Playoffs. What are you waiting for? Do you think that getting all scruffy looking is going to be a snap? Get to work!

2 – No Maintenance Required: You’re not supposed to be trimming and shaping this one. No special tools or implements (especially those purchased via an infomercial on late-night TV) are to be applied. To be official and effective, let it grow wild!

3 – Your Kids and Dogs Will Be Frightened: No getting around it, if you do this right, everyone on the block will be scared of you. You may find yourself getting pulled over by law enforcement more often. Live with it. No copping out. This is a show of unity – it’s not supposed to be a walk in the park.

4 – Don’t Walk In the Park: The sight of you and that unruly growth might stop a soccer game in its tracks. Lucky for you, hunting season is closed.

5 – Chances Are You Will Itch: This isn’t pleasant. First, make sure you don’t have a rash. Once you’re clear on that count, clean your beard with a mild baby shampoo. Lather the shampoo and rinse completely. Then apply a smooth conditioner onto your beard and rinse off with warm water. Do this as needed – usually about 14 times a day and several times in the middle of the night. Take heart! Don’t give up! The itching generally stops around the 2nd week and by then the Lightning will have advanced to the next playoff round.

6- A Special Event is No Excuse to Shave: Let’s face it, the deeper the Lightning go into the playoffs the more pressure you will be faced with to clean up. There are special events like anniversaries, parties and funerals and such at which your attendance will be mandatory. By all means attend, but bring your playoff beard along. It’s not your fault. Good planning would have prevented any of these events from conflicting with the playoffs.

7- An Alternative - If growing a beard proves impossible due to a youthful countenance, you may grow a mullet instead. It worked for Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks last season.

8 – All Good Things Come To an End – Should the Lightning be eliminated at any point (Ouch!), get that beard scrapped off your face within minutes of the conclusion of the game. Hopefully, your beard is long and intertwined by this point and removing it will be extremely discomforting. Good. You should suffer. We’ll all suffer.

9 – The Stanley Cup – Once the Lightning has won the Cup, you must keep the beard until the conclusion of the victory parade. After that, as soon as you sober up, go shave.